


Breathe

by amukmuk



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-04-06 08:23:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19058893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amukmuk/pseuds/amukmuk
Summary: Rafael Barba has always fought for the victim, but what will happen when he becomes a victim?





	1. Chapter 1

           “Liv don’t worry – I’m going to throw the book at him, bury him in so many charges he won’t even know what hit him,” Barba reassured as they descended the courthouse steps.

            Olivia didn’t get a chance to respond before a brother in blue hollered, “Gun!” Which was quickly followed by loud pops of a clip emptying. Olivia threw herself in front of the A.D.A and drew her weapon as she attempted to identity the location of the threat. She then noticed a masked man pulling himself back into a black S.U.V that peeled away from its parking space. Olivia immediately took chase, reading the license plate as she ran, committing it to memory.

            With that piece of evidence safely tucked away in her brain, she whipped around to look for her friend. “Barba?” She called when she didn’t immediately see him. She hustled back to the steps, where he stood in his grey suit – emerald eyes wide with shock.

            “Olivia?”

            “Barba,” she answered, moving to catch him as he crumpled to his knees, briefcase falling open. “Barba!” She exclaimed, hearing the worry in her own voice. As she lowered him to the steps, she screamed, “Someone call a bus!”

            She thought she heard sirens in the distance, that maybe someone had already called 911 when the shots erupted, but she couldn’t bring herself to focus on that. Her best friend had just been shot.

            “Liv,” Barba sputtered.

            “Shh… shh…” Olivia murmured. “You’re okay, just breathe.”

            Barba sucked in a haggard breath and Oliva screamed, “Somebody help me!” With shaky hands, she ripped off his suit jacket and he groaned. She knew that this was his favorite suit. “You’re okay, you’re okay,” she kept repeating, not knowing if it was for her benefit or his. She tore open his vest, headless of the buttons, and then his shirt to find where the blood was coming from. There was so much blood. “You’re okay, shh.”

            She located the bullet wound in his chest, ripped off her scarf and pressed it to the wound with as much force as she could will.

            He let out a gargled scream and tears stung her eyes, “You’re okay,” she rasped.

            His eyes locked onto hers and she could see the panic, but something else as well. “Olivia,” he gargled – blood staining his teeth.

            “Shh… Rafael, save your strength,” she applied more pressure to the bullet wound.

            He gasped again and winced, “I-I…”

            “Shh…”

            “I love you.”

            She paused.

            “Ma’am, please move aside,” an EMT ordered, gently pushing her shoulder.

            Rafael’s eyes closed and Olivia shrieked – a sound so animalistic that she didn’t even recognize it as coming from her own mouth.

            The following events occurred in a blur to Olivia Benson. She watched helplessly as the EMTs hoisted her friend to the gurney and began chest compressions. She barely remembered collecting his jacket, briefcase, and runaway papers. She was rushing to the ambulance when the EMT held up his hands, “Ma’am, you can’t be back here.”

            Shamelessly, she flashed her badge at the EMT – was he even 18? “Lieutenant Benson, Manhattan SVU. This man is an Assistant District Attorney and,” her voice cracked. “A victim in an ongoing investigation.”

            “Yes ma’am,” the young man conceded and stepped aside so that she could climb into he back of the ambulance. In the ambulance there were two more EMTs, a lady – who was on top of Barba performing chest compressions – and an older man – who was operating the breathing bag and monitoring his vitals.

            “He’s coding!” The older man shouted.

            “Not today, sir,” the woman growled, pushing down on Barba’s chest harder.

            “Come on, Rafa,” Olivia pleading, reaching out to grab his brightly colored, socked ankle.

            “Breathe, dammit!” The woman yelled.

            “We have a pulse!” the bag operator declared.

            “You’re doing great, Mr. Barba. Hang in there,” the lady on his chest goaded, wiping the sweat from her brow.

            Olivia released the breath she didn’t know she had been holding. When they arrived at the hospital, she was quick to stay out of their way. The two men pushed Rafael through the hospital doors, where they were met with a team of hospital staff.

            “Middle-Age male! GSW to the chest! Possible collapsed lung!” The lady EMT shouted as she trailed behind the men pushing the gurney.

            “Ma’am! Ma’am!” A nurse cut Liv off from following him all the way to the OR. “Please, this way to the waiting room. You’ve done great this far, but he needs a surgeon now.” Olivia immediately recognized the tone the lady was using as she had used it countless times herself. The tone of talking to a victim.

            Was she a victim?

            No.

            No, Rafael was the victim, here – not her.

            Instead of lashing out, because that’s what victims do and she is clearly not a victim, Olivia nodded her head lamely and let herself be herded into the egg-shell white waiting room. She numbly crashed into the sea-green colored chair. Here, she finally let herself cry. She went to put her head in her hands, only to see Barba’s blood still slick on her hand. She hiccupped.

            He said he loved her.

            A few silent tears fell onto the tile as she hung her head in between her legs trying to suppress the sudden nausea that washed over her.

            He said he loved her.

            She sucked in a deep breath and collected herself. Now was not the time for breaking down. Rafael needed a police Lieutenant – and that, for now, she could be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is in surgery and Olivia is left waiting...

             In police-lieutenant-mode, Olivia began to check off all the things she needed to do. First, she needed to call his mother, but she didn’t have Lucia’s phone number. Would the hospital have it? She supposed she could ask–

            “Are you Lieutenant Benson?” Her internal monologue was interrupted.    

            Olivia stood abruptly, dropping his briefcase and coat in the rush to see who spoke. “Yes,” she saw the female paramedic from earlier. “Hi, um, can I help you?” Olivia went to wipe her face only to remember the blood on her hands. Blinking a few times, she suppressed the tears that sprung up to her eyes upon seeing the red stains.

            “Uh, my name is Maria. I just wanted to say I have faith that Mr. Barba will be okay. Um,” she shifted her weight awkwardly. “He prosecuted my sister’s case a couple months ago. I know he’s a fighter, he will be just fine.”

            Olivia just nodded, not able to say anything as her throat tightened with emotion.

            “Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you and, uh, take care,” She turned to exit, and Olivia bent down to pick up his things. Sticking out of his briefcase, she noticed, was a colored picture. She grabbed only the corner, so that she didn’t leave a larger stain, to find a picture that Noah had drawn.

            At the top of the 8x11 piece of paper, read “Me, Mommy and Uncle Raffa” in big, childish letters.

            All three of them were colored in a vibrant peachy-pink shade, Rafael and Olivia depicted of equal height, but holding the hands of a small Noah in between them. Olivia sported a black jacket and what appeared to be jeans and a grey shirt. Noah was obviously wearing his favorite t-rex shirt and shorts. As for Rafael, he was drawn wearing a bright blue suit with a hot pink tie and hot pink polka-dotted socks. This outfit, she was pretty sure, she had seen before at some point.

            Tears welled up in her eyes, again, and plopped silently onto the paper.

            “Lieu!” Carisi’s distinct accent rang through the room and she quickly ran the back of her hand across her eyes and slipped the drawing back in his bag.

            “We came as soon as we heard,” Amanda clarified, as they briskly walked up to her, Fin on their heels.

            “How is he?” Carisi asked, concern coloring his face.

            “Um,” Olivia shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know,” she pressed her lips together to keep from crying.

            “I’ll go get coffee,” Carisi darted off.

            “Come on, Liv. Let’s get you cleaned up,” Rollins gently took Olivia’s elbow and guided her to the ladies’ room.

            In the solitude of the restroom, Amanda asked, “How are you holding up?”

            “He told me that he loves me,” Olivia blurted, watching the blood on her hands stain the water scarlet as it washed down the drain.

            “He what?” She gasped.

            Olivia scrubbed her hands harder.

            “Well, I guess all I can say is, about time. It’s obvious that he’s crazy for you.”

            “Amanda, I’m scared he’s going to die…” Olivia rasped, slowly shaking her head.

            Rollins put her hand on Olivia’s back. “Liv, don’t think that way.”

            “You’re right,” Olivia declared and stood straighter. “I need you to find Lucia Barba and let her know what happened.”

            “On it,” she turned and left Olivia alone, knowing her cue to leave. Liv looked at her reflection, adjusted her blood-soaked collar and exited the bathroom.

            By the time that Olivia returned to the waiting room, Carisi had brought and distributed the coffee he promised. “Lieu, what did they say about his injuries?”

            She sighed as she sat down and took a sip of the coffee. “Definite gun shot wound to the chest, possible collapsed lung.”

            Carisi formed a cross over himself.

            “He’ll pull through,” Fin reassured, patting Liv’s shoulder.

            She nodded. “Guys, I want you to team up with homicide. See what evidence you can find. I got a good look at the license plate, but I don’t know if that will be much help. Could have been a stolen car for all we know.”

            “On it, Lieu,” Carisi chirped and he and Fin left Olivia in the silence of the waiting room.

            Some cheesy soap opera playing from a small television mounted to the wall in the corner droned on in the background. She took this moment to take out her phone and text Lucy. She informed her babysitter that she was at the hospital with Barba and asked if she could spend the night with Noah just in case.

            “Mrs. Benson?” A nurse with a mask over her face and a net in her hair stood by the doorway.

            Olivia didn’t bother correcting the young girl’s mistake, “Yes?” she stood, clutching Barba’s jacket.

            “I wanted to come and give an update on Rafael Barba.”

            “Yes, yes of course.”

            “He is still in surgery. Unfortunately, it will be a little bit longer. The bullet didn’t make a clean exit; it punctured his lung, ricocheted and tore his liver. We were able to perform a blood transfusion, but he isn’t quite out of the woods yet.”

            “Thank you. Um, do you happen to have his emergency contact information?”

            “Yes, of course, we can have a clerk get that to you.”

            Olivia hoped that if she could get that information now, she could save her detective a little time and effort.

            “Miss Benson for Rafael Barba?” Another young woman in scrubs came up to her. “His emergency contact is listed as Lieutenant Benson – is that your husband?”

            Olivia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “No, is there another person listed?”

            “No ma’am.”

            “Well thank you for your help,” Olivia sneered.

            Oliva sat back down and pulled his jacket over her arms. The tinge of his cologne – to her surprise – was comforting. It reminded her of late nights in the office, of take out, and warm creamy coffee. Rafael didn’t take cream or sugar – what did he say? It was against his Cuban heritage to degrade a cup of coffee with that sacrilegious liquid. She, on the other hand, always took one cream and one sugar with a dash of cinnamon. She closed her eyes and welcomed his scent.

            He loved her.

            And, despite all her external – and justifiable – protests, she believed that she loved him too. Looking back at her long workdays, the best part was always squabbling with Rafael. They were always a team; he always had her back.

            Occasionally he would come over for spaghetti night and Noah positively adored his Uncle Rafa. For school pictures this year, he wore bright suspenders and had his mom slick down his curls in order to be more like his favorite Uncle. She meant to give him a copy of the picture.

            The more she thought about it, the more she realized what a father figure Rafael had become to Noah. Rafael, one time when he was over, read Noah his bedtime story – per the young man’s request – and now Noah preferred that he do the stories every time he was over.

            He even kept Noah’s drawing.

            “Olivia! Oh Olivia!” Lucia Barba rushed into the waiting room. Olivia stood and Lucia crashed into her, wrapping her into a tight embrace. “Como está mi Rafi?” Lucia asked, her emotion digressing her to her mother tongue.

            “He’s fighting,” Oliva answered. “Lucia, I’m so sorry. I tried—”

            Lucia cut her off. “Olivia, there is nothing to be sorry about. This is not your fault; you did not pull that trigger.”

            “I could have—” she went to say that she could have done more, but Lucia waved her hands in dismissal.

            “Olivia don’t blame yourself. All we can do now is pray… and wait.”

            She nodded and returned to her seat next to Lucia. The older woman took up Olivia’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “You are a good friend, mija. Rafi is lucky to have you in his life.”

            “He’s a great lawyer,” Olivia offered lamely.

            Lucia agreed, “He’s going to be okay. Rafi never gives up. If anything, when the odds are stacked against him, he fights even harder.”

            Oliva hummed in agreement.

            “Cuando él era niño, he would get bullied all the time. He was always such a little chico with a big mouth. Got the living day lights beat out of him on a weekly basis, but that didn’t stop him from defending others. Including myself at times. It wasn’t until he met Alex and Eddie that he stopped coming home with black eyes.”

            “He’s a great man,” Oliva choked out.

            “Mhm,” Lucia hummed.

            Time drug on. Olivia dealt with waves of anxious nausea and occasionally made small talk with Lucia. Rafael’s mother talked about the weather, her school and most importantly, her son. Whenever he would come up, Olivia would get nausea inducing butterflies. Butterflies, because she loved hearing about his childhood from the woman who – arguably – loved him most and nauseous because she realized how alone Lucia would be if Rafael died.

            How alone they both would be.

            No.

            She pushed that thought away.

            “Olivia Benson?” A man in scrubs, with blood on the front stood in the entry way.

            “Yes?” She gasped and stood. Was that Rafa’s blood? “This is Lucia Barba, Rafael’s mother.”

            “Hello, nice to meet you both. I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances. My name is Dr. Kazinsky, Mr. Barba’s surgeon.” Olivia and Lucia waited with bated breath. “He pulled through. We successfully removed the damaged section of his liver, retrieved the bullet and began the patch on his lung.”

            Lucia slumped with relief.

            “He did die twice on the operating table, so he will be recovering from a couple broken ribs as we had to paddle him back both times.” Lucia reached for Olivia’s arm for support. “He’s a fighter, that is for sure. We’ve made it through the hard part, now we just have to keep a watchful eye for clotting and infection.”

            “May we see him?” Olivia breathed.

            “He’s still in ICU, but once we move him to a recovery room, I’ll have a nurse come and find you.”

            “Thank you, Doctor,” Lucia nodded.

            When the doctor left, Lucia threw her arms around Olivia. “Gracias al Dios!” She sobbed and Olivia couldn’t help but shed a few tears herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I just want to thank you all so much for enjoying this! I have never actually posted any of my writing and it just leaves my heart all warm and fuzzy! For those of you who don't speak Spanish (I got my B.A in Spanish) here are the translations for you!  
> 1\. How is my Rafi?  
> 2\. My daughter - despite the fact that Olivia is not Lucia's daughter, a lot of Spanish-speaking folk use this as a term of endearment for younger people.  
> 3\. When he was a child  
> 4\. boy  
> 5\. Thank God


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so a relative of mine has spent a lot of time in the hospital. The whole breakfast thing seems a little far-fetched, but honestly it's just the experience I had from staying with them.

            It only took about 45 minutes for a nurse to come and escort them to a recovery room. Rafael laid there, asleep, much paler than normal with his hair normally styled hair completely disheveled. Olivia noticed how at peace he looked; despite all the trauma he had just endured. As she looked closer, she could see the grey hair sprinkled at his temples and dark bags under his eyes. Lucia, almost reading her mind commented, “Perhaps the only good to come from this is that he will actually get some sleep.”

            Olivia nodded and stood on the other side of the bed as Lucia lowered herself into yet another uncomfortable plastic chair.

“Oh mijo. Oh Rafi. Qué cansado pareces,” she ran her fingers through his hair, trying to neaten his unruly locks. Olivia hadn’t noticed before, due to all the hair gel, but his hair actually had a curly wave to them. She smirked thinking back to her son’s curly locks that she gelled down for picture day. “Te amo, mijo, que el Dios te cure.”

“Mrs. Barba, if you don’t mind, I’ll give you a moment. I could use a shower and a fresh set of clothes.”

            “Of course, mija, I’ll stay with him until you get back.”

            She then headed down to the entrance where she hailed a cab and went home. She looked at her phone, it was 1 a.m. She had a text from Lucy that said she was taking Noah to her mother’s for the weekend. Weekend? _I guess yesterday_ _was Friday_ , she thought. When she entered the dark apartment, toed off her boots and went to the shower. With another bout of nausea taunting her, she peeled off her blood-soaked clothes and turned the nob all the way to hot.

            She cried. She cried tears of relief, sorrow, worry, and happiness. All of her emotions poured out of her in hiccupping sobs.

            Rafael Barba loved her.

            And he was okay.

            He will be okay.

            Upon getting out of the shower, she quickly got dressed in a soft NYPD crewneck, leggings, thermal socks, and boots. Swiftly pulling her hair up into a clip, she grabbed her phone and wallet and called another cab as her car was still at the precinct.

            When she returned to the hospital room, Lucia was singing to Rafael. Her voice was warm and smooth like honey. Olivia stood for a moment, not wanting to interrupt, when she recognized the song.

            A couple months ago, when she and Rafael were at the park, Noah had fallen and scraped his hands and knees. While Olivia dug through her bag to find her first aid kit, Rafael had gotten on his hands and knees, heedless of his thousand-dollar suit, to run his hands through Noah’s hair and hum a song.

            This song. This was the song that his mom sang to him when he wasn’t feeling well. Tears threatened to well up in her eyes again. She thought of Rafael singing to Noah every time he was hurting, every time he had a nightmare, and every time his mom was away, and Rafael was still there with their son.

Their son. _Please, Olivia_. She chided herself and lightly knocked on the door frame.

 Lucia turned, “Olivia hello! Come and sit! Will you stay the night with him?”

            “Of course, Mrs. Barba.”

            “Lucia, please.”

            “Lucia,” Olivia gave a tight smile.

            “I’ll be back again tomorrow afternoon. Take care of my boy. He loves you.”

            “I know,” Olivia gave another smile and Lucia hugged her.

            “Que el Dios te bendiga,” Lucia kissed her cheek.

            “Igualmente.”

            With that, Lucia exited and Oliva took her place in the chair by Lucia’s bed. He was breathing steadily, oxygen tubes in his nose for a little extra assistance. There was a bag on the side of his bed, whizzing as it sucked the air out of Rafael’s injured lung. She took his hand into hers and put her head on his bed. “I love you, Rafael,” she murmured as she drifted asleep and reality slipped away.

            Unfortunately, she didn’t sleep long as a nurse came in, “Excuse me, miss?”

            Olivia lifted her head and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

            “Are you Olivia Benson?”

            “Yes,” she blinked groggily.

            “I have Mr. Barba’s necklace… Unfortunately, some detectives came and took his clothes as evidence. I asked them if I could keep his crucifix to give to his family,” she smiled genuinely at Olivia. “I just need you to sign this to so say that I gave you it.”

            “Yeah, of course,” Olivia signed a sloppy signature and the blonde nurse handed her a clear bag with his golden necklace in it.

            “He’s very fortunate to have such a loving wife. You’d be surprised at how many face recovery alone.”

            “I can only imagine,” Olivia sighed.

            “We will be putting in breakfast orders soon, can I get you a menu?”

            Olivia was about to decline when her stomach rumbled, “That would be great. Thank you.”

            She nodded and left.

            Olivia fingered the crucifix. Funny, she thought, how they both preferred modest gold jewelry. She rose to her feet and clasped the necklace around his neck. “There, much better,” she murmured.

            She knew he was a religious man, but he never really talked about it. She knew he went to mass and brunch with his mother on Sundays, but she never saw him pray otherwise.

            “Ma’am, the menu,” the nurse came in and dropped off the menu, explaining that each patient could order one entre, two sides, and a drink. She said that when Olivia had completed her order, she could place it in the sleeve on the door so that dining services could collect it.

            “Hmm… Rafa, what should we get for breakfast?” She absent-mindedly rubbed his knuckles while she scanned the menu. “I think a fresh fruit dish is necessary. You need to eat more fruits and vegetables as it is.” She looked up hoping that would elicit a response. However, the only sound in the room was the heart monitor and the whirl of the machine helping his injured lung. She sighed, “Oh they have pancakes, maybe we can get blueberries in them.”

            “You know Noah and I prefer chocolate chips,” Rafael croaked, his eyes still closed.

            “Oh my God, Rafa,” she dropped the menu and took his hand in hers. “Oh my God,” she gasped.

            Rafael squinted his eyes, trying to adapt to the light. “Good morning,” he smirked. “Thought you would get rid of me that easily?” He winced as he tried to sit up straighter.

            “Oh no, Rafa don’t move,” she stood and put her hands on his shoulders and froze. They were so close. Being close to an unconscious Barba was completely different than being close to a coherent Barba.

            “Liv, can I have some water?” He rasped, breaking her from her reverie.

            “Yes, yes of course,” She straightened suddenly, smoothing her sweatshirt. “Nurse! Can I have some ice chips please?” Olivia called from the doorway.

            “Liv, I specifically said _water_ ,” Rafael sighed, rolling his eyes.

            “You just woke up from a major surgery – you are starting with ice chips.”

            “So, taunting me with pancakes was just a ruse to wake me from the most peaceful slumber I’ve had in decades?” Rafael smirked at her.

            Maybe she preferred an unconscious Barba.

            “Well if you would like, I can gladly put you back in that slumber, Barba.”

            “Well I can’t sleep now with pancakes on the table.”

            Olivia looked at him and smiled, “I missed you.”

            “Here are your ice chips, ma’am. Oh, would you look who’s awake! How are you feeling Mr. Barba?”

            “Tired and stiff,” he paused. “And a little hungry.”

            “Well let’s start with ice chips, we will order some food and see how you do. Let me know if the pain gets too bad.”

            “Of course.”

            She left, leaving Olivia and Rafael in silence. Rafael went to grab the cup of ice and hissed. “Liv, I hate to ask, but can you hand me that?”

            Not wanting him to feel babied, she handed him the cup which he, in turn, immediately dropped.

            Thank God for lids.

            “Here, let me.” She picked up the cup and pulled the spoon out of the plastic. “Open wide, counsellor.” She scooped a spoonful of ice and pushed it to his mouth, she mimicked his lip movements with her own and watched as his eyes lit up with amusement.

            He sucked on the ice for a moment and said, “I half expected you to start making train noises, just then.”

            “Don’t tempt me, Barba,” she warned, grinning. She scooped up more ice and offered it to him. He took the bite gratefully and crunched the ice. He swallowed and closed his eyes for a minute.

            Liv was just about to ask if he wanted another bite when he murmured, “I didn’t see his face.” It took her a second before she realized what he was talking about.

            “Rafa, that doesn’t matter. I’m sure there was traffic camera feed of the incident.” She went to take his hand but stopped herself. “Besides, I’m not here on official police business. I’m here for a friend.”

            They shared a smile and she gave him another bite of ice. His brow furrowed, “I keep trying to remember, but everything is fuzzy.”

            She was in the middle of scooping more ice when her heart sank. Did he not remember what he said? She gulped, “Well that is common with victims, give yourself some time.”

            He nodded and accepted another spoonful, “Did we ever decide on breakfast?” He asked between crunches.

            “Well obviously pancakes and fruit.”

            “And coffee.”

            “Definitely coffee.”

            He sat his head back, “I think I might nap while we wait.”

            “Please do, you need your rest.”

            He hummed in agreement, but she was fairly certain he was already asleep. Olivia stood up, crossing her arms tightly in front of her and paced the length of the room. He didn’t remember. Maybe he didn’t mean it, he thought he was dying. For Christ’s sake, he did die – four times. She took a steadying breath. She had prepared herself for the leap to romantic love, but truth is, she had loved him for a long time.

            She loved him for always defending those who needed protection. She loved him because he never treated her with kid gloves. He wasn’t scared to disagree with her, to go toe to toe with The Great Olivia Benson, the backbone of Manhattan SVU.

            She loved him for his fearlessness. She loved him because he was her best friend. And, she supposed they could stay that way for a little bit longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translation:  
> 1\. How tired you look  
> 2\. I love you, my son. May God heal you.   
> 3\. God bless you.   
> 4\. You as well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More complications arise during Rafael's recovery.

            When the pancakes, fruit and coffee arrived, Olivia gently shook Rafael awake. “Rafa.”

            “No, mamá dejame dormir.”

            “Rafa, its Olivia,” she murmured.

            “Liv?” He blinked awake and rubbed his eyes. “Oh, is breakfast here?” He looked at the tray and his stomach gave a roaring grumble.

            Olivia chuckled, “I guess someone is hungry.”

            “Yeah all I ate yesterday was half a bran muffin and a handful of peanuts.”

            “You, the snacking champion, ate so little yesterday? Seriously?” She teased.

            “What can I say, I was in court all day. Can’t prosecute perps with my mouth full.”

            Olivia cut the pancakes like she would for Noah, grinning ear to ear.

            “Umm…” Rafael looked uncomfortable for a second.

            “Yes?”

            “Would you uh…”

            “Feed you?”

            He nodded bashfully.

            “Well, I was planning to anyway. You about gave yourself an ice bath this morning.”

            “I feel a bit like an invalid,” he murmured.

            “Barba, you were shot yesterday. Just let me take care of you, okay? You would do the same if it were me.”

            “Mmm,” he raised an eyebrow at her. “No, you’re right, I would.”

            They smiled.

            “Okay, syrup or no syrup.”

            He raised the other eyebrow at her, “Do you really have to ask?”

            “You’re right,” she dunked a square of pancake in the syrup, held it out to him and quickly put it in her own mouth.

            “Mmm,,” she smiled with tight lips.

            “Olivia Benson,” Rafael put his hand over heart, winced, but continued with his façade of fake heartbreak. “How dare you tease – the so-called Champion of Snacking – with food? I’m injured, you know, have you no heart?”

            “No, because it belongs to you,” she almost retorted, but instead she said, “You’re right, that was cruel.”

            “What was that?” He turned an ear toward her.

            “I’m not saying it again, Barba.”

            “It was worth a try,” he commented through the bite of pancake she fed him.

            They ate in comfortable silence for a few moments. When they finished, Olivia stacked the trays and put them on the counter closest to the door. Rafael leaned his head back again and closed his eyes. Olivia noticed sweat beading on his brow, “Hey you okay? Do you need more pain meds?”

            Rafael nodded weakly and Olivia went to the I.V stand to push the button to release more morphine. She sat with him until he fell asleep, then she went outside for some fresh air. She answered a few emails, checked in with Noah, who happily informed her that he was making a get well soon card with Lucy’s mom. Liv made a mental note to give her a bonus on her next paycheck. When she returned to the hospital room, Olivia ran into Carisi and Rollins.

            “Hey guys, what’s up?”

            “Oh, we were just bringing Barba a get well soon gift,” Carisi explained.

            “Oh?”

            “Yeah,” Amanda said. “He’s not looking so great, so we called the nurse over. She’s going to call the doctor just in case.”

            “What? When I left he was doing just fine,” Olivia rushed past them to Barba’s room. Images of Dodds flashed before her, but she tried to push them back to the depths of her mind.

            “Rafa?” She pushed into the room.

            “Liv?” He woke with a start.

            “Rafa, are you okay?”

            He stared at her.

            “Rafael,” she said sternly to try and shake him from his thoughts.

            “Shh…” he hushed, his eyes wide with panic. “Olivia, get-get way from there. He’s right behind you.”

            “Who?” She whirled around, but no one was standing behind her. “Rafael, who do you see?!”

            “William Lewis,” he croaked. “No! Olivia! Liv!” He thrashed in the bed.

            “I need a doctor!” Olivia screamed from the door.

            “Rafael. Rafael! He isn’t there,” she put her hands on his arms, but he struggled against her. “Rafa! Listen to me!”

            The nurses went behind him, to the IV machine and injected it with something to calm him down. The doctor entered seconds later as Rafael’s body went limp.

            “What the hell was that!?” Olivia stepped up so that their faces were just inches apart.

            “It could be a number of things; we are going to need some tests. Best case scenario, a bad reaction to the pain medication. Worst case – a clot in his brain or kidney failure.”

            “What?”

            “Well, we just performed a major operation. It is possible that a blood clot could have formed and went to his brain. As for the kidney failure, during traumatic incidents such as these – its possible for the body to not function correctly. There could be a buildup of creatinine in his body, which can cause hallucinations.”

            Olivia began to get tunnel vision. This wasn’t happening.

            “But, Miss Benson, this can also be caused by a poor reaction to pain killers. We just need to run tests. Try not to worry.”

            Bile rose up in Olivia’s throat as they wheeled her heavily sedated friend to their next destination. She fumbled for her phone and dialed Lucia’s number. They had exchanged numbers yesterday. Was it only yesterday that this happened?

            “Bueno.”

            “Lucia, hi. Its Olivia. Um—” her voice cracked.

            “Mija, what’s wrong?”

            “Rafa had an episode and they are rushing to do some tests on him to see what’s wrong.”

            “Okay. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in a half an hour.”

            As she hung up, Olivia rushed over to the trash can and threw up.

~

            Again, Olivia and Lucia found themselves in the pale, egg-shell colored waiting room. Lucia held Olivia’s hand so tight that her knuckles were white. Neither of them tried to reassure the other, because they didn’t know what the future held. They were hopeful yesterday that the worst was behind them, but here they were – worrying for the most important man in their lives.

            Olivia imagined planning a funeral for him. There wouldn’t be a sea of blue, like there had been for Mike Dodds. Or maybe there would be. Rafael was an ADA. She imagined his mother in all black, crying at the funeral – blaming her for not doing more. She saw the squad all mourning the loss of a dear friend. And she saw Noah, not really understanding what was going on and asking her why Rafael wasn’t at the church. It would be his first experience death and she would have to explain to him that Uncle Rafa wasn’t coming back. That he was with God, because if Rafael Barba was going anywhere, he was going to heaven.

            The attending physician entered, “Olivia Benson?” Lucia and Olivia rose, still clinging to each other like a life preserver in a rough sea. “I have good news,” the doctor smiled. “Mr. Barba is going to be just fine. Just extremely dehydrated, basically. His body suffered a severe trauma, which sent his kidneys into overdrive. They produced a surplus of creatinine and due to the high levels of pain medication and low level of fluid intake – he experienced a creatinine induced hallucination. I expect he will make a full recovery.”

            “Gracias al Dios!” Lucia cried and fell to her knees.

            “Lucia, shh… He’s going to be okay.”

            “I’ll give you both a moment.”

            “Thank you,” Olivia mouthed as Lucia sobbed.

            “I almost lost my baby!” she wailed.

            “I know… I know…” Oliva rubbed Lucia’s back.

            The weight of the situation had finally hit Lucia, just like it had Olivia the night before in the shower. Olivia let her cry.

~

            Later that evening, Olivia was back in his room again. She watched him as he slept, afraid to close her eyes just in case something happened again. Her eyelids were drooping when she heard rustling and a soft, “Liv?”

            She jerked awake and leaned closer to him, shamelessly taking his hand into hers. “Hey,” she murmured.

            “Hey,” he returned.

            “Don’t scare me like that again,” she scolded gently.

            “I’m not entirely sure what happened,” he admitted. “What time is it?” He looked around for a sign of the hour.

            Olivia looked at her watch, “Three a.m.”

            Rafael’s eyes widened, “You should be with Noah.”

            “Well if you would quit almost dying – I would bring him by.”

            He chuckled. “Thank you.”

            “For what?”

            “For being here… with me.”

            She shrugged. They both became acutely aware that she was still holding his hand. She pulled away. He wished she hadn’t.

            “How is Noah?” Rafael cleared his throat.

            “Good, making you a get-well card.”

            “He’s a good kid,” he paused. “Clearly he isn’t the only one glad that I didn’t die,” he motioned to the table that currently held a multitude of colorful gifts. On the table was a small bouquet of flowers with balloons and a stuffed bat from Rollins and Carisi.

            _Get well soon, love your favorite bat and blonde. – Sonny and Amanda_

A box of chocolates and a card from Rita that read, _Glad you didn’t die, amigo. There is no other opponent worthy of facing in the court room, but you_.

            Lastly, a card and a modest bouquet from Jack McCoy. _Hang in there – JM._

            “You know what we should do?” Rafael wagged his eyebrows at Olivia and her heart stuttered. She imagined kissing him, kissing his neck, pulling his hair.

            She shook her head, “What?”

            “We should go outside and crack into that box of chocolates.”

            “No, Rafa. It’s freezing out.” It was that awkward temperature right before summer, where the mornings and nights were winter coat worthy, but in the afternoons, it was almost tank top weather.

            He pouted.

            “No.”

            The pout continued.

            “You’re worse than Noah.”

            In the end, the nurse agreed with Olivia that it was too cold outside and wouldn’t be a wise decision. However, she said, one piece of chocolate wouldn’t hurt. Olivia cracked open the box and held it out.

            Rafa hesitantly scanned the box. “The problem here,” he began, “is that I hate coconut and I hate the surprise of that flavorless mush that simply won’t break up despite an eternity spent chewing it.”

            She laughed out loud. After much deliberation, he picked a chocolate and sighed in relief as he bit into it. “Caramel, thank God.”

            Olivia chose her chocolate and popped it into her mouth, while returning the lid to the box. She laughed when she tasted the coconut.

            “Which one did you get?”

            “Coconut.”

            He crinkled his nose, “Gross.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update came so late! Was super busy with work and other things!

            After a week in the hospital, Rafael was finally able to go home. However, his doctors advised that he have someone stay with him and that he not return to work for an additional week, along with other restrictions regarding physical activity.

            “A punctured lung is nothing to mess with,” the nurse warned.

            So, she drove him to his apartment where they stood in his living room. Olivia looked around; it was mostly what she expected it to look like. Relatively open concept with exposed brick and olive walls. One wall featured a massive cherry bookshelf with plenty of leather-bound law books. On the other wall was a mounted, but modest, television. His couch looked inviting, being large and made of soft leather. Looking over to his kitchen, it composed of dark marble counter tops, light cabinets, and all stainless-steel appliances.

            “This way,” Rafael called as he walked to the bedroom. Olivia gulped as she imagined him throwing her down on his plush grey bedspread. Of course, he made his bed every time he got up in the morning. “Liv, I promise I will be just fine here by myself.”

            “Rafa, you’re coming to stay with me and there will be no arguing it. Plus, I doubt you want your mother staying with you for the next couple days.”

            Rafael only sighed because he knew she was right, and unlike her, he was not going to let her know that he thought that. His mother staying with him would only turn more of his hair grey and, quite frankly, he was having a hard-enough time accepting the grey hair he did have and didn’t feel like welcoming any more of it. “Okay,” he huffed finally. “Top left of the closet is my suitcase.”

            Olivia opened the door to the closet, not entirely surprised when it revealed a walk-in. Rows of vibrant suits greeted her and she smiled. This is what Rafael Barba was all about. She reached up and grabbed the suitcase and garment bag, following his directions on what to pack.

            “Okay, and one suit,” he concluded.

            “Rafa, you don’t need a suit. You’re not allowed to work.”

            “Well. Consider it an emergency suit. Just in case I have to make an appearance.”

            She sighed, “Okay, but which one?”  

            “Dark blue, white shirt with the light pink squares. No not that one, over one. Yeah that one.” She put them into the garment bag. “Then, hm… in the drawer, top right. There should be a bright pink tie with white polka dots. Yes, that’s the one. Then in the drawer underneath, Navy and Pink striped socks. Yes. Then the blue suspenders hanging right there. Left drawer, white and light pink pocket square please.”

            She carefully placed everything into the garment bag and almost laughed at how similar it looked to the outfit in Noah’s drawing.

            “Toiletries?” She asked him.

            He pointed her to the bathroom so he could sit on the bed, suddenly feeling fatigued. A gun shot wound can have that effect on people.

            In the bathroom, Liv grabbed his necessities and tossed them in a bag. Upon exiting, she asked him, “Ready?”

            “Ready for a nap.”

            Luckily, the drive to her place was relatively short. When she unlocked the door, she heard Noah explode.

            “Momma!” He ran full force at the door and she scooped him up. He was getting too big for this, but she still picked up her baby whenever she had the chance.

            “Here, Liv, let me help.” Lucy rushed and took the bags from her.

            Liv and Rafa entered the house and Noah chattered happily. “Uncle Rafa, momma told me that you don’t feel really good. So, I’m gonna help you with everything you need! No worries! Eddie and I are good helpers, aren’t we momma?” Noah was twisting in his arms so that he could get a good look at his uncle.

            “Yes, you are, sweet boy,” she pressed a kiss to his fluffy curls.

            “Well, then I guess I have nothing to worry about,” Rafa rubbed the boy’s arm.

            Shortly after Rafael and Olivia arrived home, Lucy took her leave in order to give the adults their space. Liv prepared grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup while Noah sat with Rafael. Noah had decided to read Rafael a story since he wasn’t feeling well and that is what his momma did when he wasn’t feeling well.

            “The crow-cro-crowc—”

            “Crocodile,” Rafael corrected. Noah was curled up next to his uncle, attempting to read a story about a crocodile’s big adventure.

            Olivia stood and observed for a few moments before she called them to the table for dinner. Rafael was absent-mindedly stroking the boy’s curls and smiling at the way he was sounding out the words.

            She loved them.

            Oh, did she love them.

            “Boys,” she called. “Dinner is ready.”

            “Mom, can we eat out here? Uncle Rafa shouldn’t move – he’s sick,” Noah suggested.

            “I don’t know, soup should be eaten at the table, Noah. You know how messy Eddie is,” Rafael said, easing himself off of the couch. “Besides, I’m okay to sit up at the table for a little while.”

            “Okay, Uncle Rafa! You sit and I’ll get everything for you!” Noah leaped off the couch and bounded into the kitchen. There, he stood on his tip toes and carefully grabbed a bowl of soup from the counter.

            “Careful, sweet boy,” Olivia cooed.

            Rafael plopped into the chair, wiping sweat from his brow. Everything was much more strenuous with only one fully functioning lung. Olivia noticed immediately and asked, “You okay?” as she sat a plate of cut grilled cheeses on the table.

            He nodded, “Just tired.”

            She forced a smile, trying to keep the worry off her face. She placed spoons and crackers on the table, next to the sandwiches.

            Rafael took a spoon, when Noah interjected. “No, Uncle Rafa! You have to do it this way!” The young boy dunked the corner of his cheesy sandwich in the tomato soup and took a bite, grinning widely.

            Rafael laughed and followed suit. He and Olivia shared a smile as they ate their tomato soup-dunked grilled cheese.

            After dinner, Rafael offered to help clean up, which earned him protests from both of the Bensons.

            “Why don’t you shower, and we’ll clean up?” She looked at Noah, who was about to start a Barba-worthy argument as to why he shouldn’t have to help clean. “Then maybe if Uncle Rafa is feeling okay, he can read a bedtime story.”

            “Okay, go Uncle Rafa! Go! Go!” Noah practically pushed Rafael into the bathroom.

            In the bathroom, Rafael looked at himself for the first time since the incident. He really did look sick. His hair was unruly, his face pale, his eyes sunken and shrouded in dark shadows.

            Rafael went to take off his shirt, but his injuries screamed in protest. Four internal staples, twelve internal stitches, 30 external stitches, and four fractured ribs all reprimanding him for trying to remove the article of clothing. He sat on the toilet lid and caught his breath. The doctor had told him that as his lung healed, he would frequently feel out of breath, but this was ridiculous.

            There was a soft knock at the door, followed by an equally soft, “Rafa?”

            “Come in,” he wheezed.

            Olivia opened the door, “I figured you wouldn’t get that far without these,” she held up a flannel shirt – which she was surprised he owned – and sweatpants as well as a fresh pair of boxers and his toiletries.

            “Thanks,” he said, feeling embarrassed for not remembering those items himself. She turned to leave, “Um… Liv?”

            She spun around.

            “I hate to ask this, but I think I need help.”

            She raised her eyebrows as she pictured soaping his naked body. “With showering?” She inhaled, shaking her head.

            “What!? Oh God! No!” Rafael blushed. “No, I, uh, just need help with this shirt. I can’t raise my arms to get it off.”

            Olivia exhaled, “Of course I can do that,” she walked over like it was no problem whatsoever. However – in reality – her heart was pounding, her hands sweating. He stood up to meet her eye and she took up the hem of his shirt, her fingers grazing his abdomen.

            He sucked in a breath upon feeling the electric warmth of her touch.

            “I’m sorry,” she murmured.

            “It’s okay. Your fingers are cold,” he lied.

            She knew he lied because she had just been doing dishes in scalding hot water. She didn’t say anything though – just simply moved his shirt up his body. She bunched it up so that his arm could snake through, then she slid it over his head and down his injured side, revealing big, white, and blood-stained bandages. They stared at each other for a moment, lips apart, eyes focusing on each other’s bodies.

            Olivia held her hand up and gently touched the gauze where the bullet had pierced his body. Inches from his heart. He had been so lucky. They had been so lucky.

            “Liv.”

            She met his eyes.

            “I’m okay.”

            “I know.”

            “Liv, I –”

            “Hey momma, can I have ice cream?” Noah called from the other side of the door. They froze, realizing what was happening.

            Rafael cleared his throat and Olivia stepped back. “Not now, sweet boy. Go pick out a story for you and Uncle Rafa.”

            Rafael ran a hand through his hair, suddenly very self-conscious of his state of undress.

            “I’m sorry,” Liv mumbled again.

            “Thank you for helping,” he muttered.

            She went to go, but he grabbed her wrist, pulling her back into him. He put both of his hands on her face and kissed her. Shocked, she didn’t kiss him back. Realizing what he had just done, he released her – practically pushing her away from him. “I’m sorry, the pain meds—” He was cut off by her lips crashing into his.

            He kissed her back, fiercely. She ran her hands through his hair, and he grabbed her waist and pulled her closer. Only when breathing became necessary did they part.

            “Olivia, I love you.”

            “I know,” she smiled, relieved that he remembered.

            He arched an eyebrow.

            “You happened to tell me when you thought you were dying. Very dramatic.”

            “Well I do happen to have a flare for the dramatics, as you know.”

            She grinned, “That’s okay because… I love you too.”

            He released the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and she kissed his cheek. “Get cleaned up so Noah can have you read to him. You’ve only been here a couple hours and I can already tell that he loves having you here.”

            “Okay,” he smiled.

            “Okay,” she returned his smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL, sorry I've been gone for so long, but I just watched the premier of SEASON 21 and I guess you can say I'm back on my bullshit. Here is a short bit for the continuation of our dear Barson.

            After Rafael got out of the shower, he pulled on the flannel shirt – buttons were so much easier than trying to lift his injured arm through the shirt. He finger-combed his hair and exited the bathroom.

            “Uncle Rafa! I picked twoooo books!” Noah looked down at his toes, “I couldn’t decide which one.”

            “That’s okay, we’ll read both if it’s okay with your momma.”

            “Preeeettty please?” Noah spun around and looked at his mother.

            She chuckled and nodded, “If Uncle Rafa is feeling up to it, I don’t see why not.”

            Noah scrambled into his bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. “Okay I’m ready!” He called.

            Rafael and Olivia shared an exasperated smile. “He has so much energy.”

            “That he does.”

            “Uncle Raafffaaaaaa!”

            “Duty calls,” he gave her hand a light squeeze before going into the young boy’s bedroom.

            Olivia let him walk into the room and then followed to just outside so that she could hear.

            “In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and – pop! – out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar…”

            Oliva listened to Noah giggle as Rafael, with his flare for dramatics, told the most excited version of _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ that she had ever heard. However, he had barely finished the first reading for the evening when Noah sucked in a breath of heavy sleep, a little snore flaring the boy’s nostrils. Rafael slowly eased himself out of the twin bed – both because his injuries protested vehemently and because he didn’t want to wake Noah – and padded back into the living room where Oliva was laying down pillows and blankets on the couch.

            “Well, he went to sleep easily,” Rafael commented.

            “Probably worn out by having his favorite Uncle around,” Olivia smiled and sat down on the couch. “I’m going to sleep out here tonight so you can have my bed.”

            “Oh no, Liv, really let me sleep on the couch, I need to sleep sitting up anyway.”

            They shifted awkwardly, the words that were just uttered moments ago had so much impact on their lives, their friendship – now, they were beginning to realize the weight of them. Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and Rafael chewed his bottom lip, how to proceed, how to proceed. Neither wanted to sleep apart from each other, but they literally _just_ confessed their love for each other, wouldn’t it be moving too fast?

            “Right, well,” Olivia shifted awkwardly again. “I guess I will sleep in my bed.”

            “That’s probably for the best,” Rafael whispered hoarsely.  

            Olivia started walking back to her bedroom when she suddenly stopped and whirled around. “Rafa, maybe we are moving too fast. Maybe this should wait. Maybe this isn’t the right time.”

            His heart fell into his stomach. “What?” He barely breathed. His world was swimming, his vision tunneling, and his mouth watering from nausea. He collapsed onto the couch, maybe this could be his final resting place. Struck down in his prime – okay, well maybe not _prime_ – by Olivia Benson. _Here lies Rafael Barba who died tragically from a broken heart._

            “You’re my best friend, I don’t want to lose you.” Olivia’s breath shook. “I _can’t_ lose you.” Tears welled up in her eyes, she promised herself she wouldn’t cry, but here she was _crying_.

            “Olivia,” Rafael said lowly. “We can move as fast or as slow as you want to. We can remain friends for the rest of our lives if you want. But none of that will change that I love you, truly and deeply. You’re my best friend too and,” he took a steadying breath. “I think losing you would kill me.”

            She laughed in a quick burst and went to him, gently sitting next to him on the couch, “Please no jokes about you dying. It’s too soon.”

            He smirked and bumped his shoulder into hers. They let the silence fall between them comfortably while they thought about how to proceed.

            Olivia was the one to speak first her voice just barely above a whisper, “Rafa… when you were shot… I – I almost lost you… I can’t go through that again.”

            “I know, I can’t imagine what that caused you,” he murmured.

            “And Noah…”

            “And Noah,” he took her hand gently. “If you want to pursue… whatever this is, I’ll never let Noah down. We may squabble for whatever reason, but Noah will never _ever_ feel unloved.” Tears welled up in her eyes when he continued, “We both know what that feels like and I would never intentionally inflict that upon someone else.”

            She pursed her lips, nodded and glanced at the ceiling. “Rafa… I love you,” she murmured.

            He kissed her hand, “I love you too… Now, let’s get some sleep. You can sleep in bed; I’ll sleep on the couch and Noah will just know that Uncle Rafa is staying for a slumber party.”

            She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, “He’s going to be so excited.”

            “So am I, I get to spend the night with my best friend,” he gave her a cheeky smirk and she couldn’t help but smile back at him. She loved that lopsided, toothy grin. She loved the owner of that lopsided, toothy grin. Olivia Benson loved Rafael Barba.

            She rose from the couch and began walking towards the bedroom. She tossed a glance over her shoulder and caught him watching her walk away, pure adoration in his lovely green eyes. When she went into her bedroom and gently closed the door behind her, a true smile erupted across her face. She hadn’t felt this happy in years and for now, she was going to revel in it.


End file.
